Here it is, bad grammar and punctuation, warts and all. This was written about another restaurant, and about my feelings of the reviewers and of Yelp and other apps of that ilk.  I guess it would apply here as well, although giving myself 5 stars smacks of self aggrandizement .  Enjoy...

I give this restaurant 5 stars. Why not. It's as valid as giving it 1 star.  Because this is more of an indictment of those who think these reviews actually mean anything or the specious foundation in which this app is based.

After reading so many reviews, one can begin to see the flaws:

"I lived in (or visited, "insert location here") so I know all about it ". Well, guess what, living in a place does not make a person some sort of expert, as appealing such a declaration might be.

I personally lived for a time in Italy, spent a lot of time in Switzerland, vacationed in France . So now I'm an expert in Italian, in Swiss, in French?  That takes a big pair. I'm not that much of a narcissist and you're too smart to let me attempt to get away with that. 

If one really paid attention, the only "take away" one could possibly make is that the cuisine, the culture, the people of a place is more varied and  complicated and can't be reduced to stereotype. Attempting to do so is fallacious at best. It's conflating personal likes or dislikes with "authenticity."

There are many other trends I'm sure you'll spot: self-loathing, trolls, hatchet jobs, someone having a bad day, someone who thinks they are somehow owed something, reviews of mega chain burger joints.  Really? We need reviews of that? 

Do this -- look up, away from this glowing screen.  Look around your place on this planet. See that? Life is analog.  It is not in your 3x 6 inch piece of glowing glass. Its not in the advice of a thousand of your "closest friends" - people you wouldn't trust, never met and have absolutely no idea what they are about.  Nor should you listen to my review of this place. You don't know me from Adam and I seriously doubt that my tastes and yours are in lock step. 

So I give this restaurant 5 stars.  What not? There are a lot of hard working people that are here, now. People with kids to support, mom and pops who have given up their weekends, their holidays, stuck in a hot kitchen trying to do something for me. People, real people with names and rent due and flaws and strengths. People in which I will give the benefit of the doubt, because that is the human thing to do. Because they read these reviews like I do and are perplexed and wonder if it's worth the brain damage. So, yes, I will give them the benefit of the doubt. 

My advice to you is experience the real authenticity. The journey, the discovery is the important thing.  The world is analog and dirty and smelly and wonderful. Find this out for yourself. You're smart, you don't need this app. Stop taking pictures of your food, it's getting cold. People want to see pictures of your half eaten plate of spaghetti about as much as you wanting to listen to the poem about my cat that I just wrote.  Neither one of us should be that self absorbed.  

Turn the phone off and put it away. If that statement makes you mad or scares you, or you feel compelled to rebut, there are more than a few 12 step programs that you may want to join. 

I challenge you to find the places you love or hate or feel indifferent about on your own. You're smart. You can do it. Do yourself a favor and experience life the way it's been experienced since the beginning of time, at least before 1990. 

 Walk in with eyes wide open, walk in blind. Take a chance.  It's much more satisfying out there than in this cold, little glowing screen and in this crappy app and the cacophonous clamor of a thousand dogs barking in your head that is the internet. 

Welcome to the real world -- It's waiting for you and it's fantastic. I give it 5 stars.